This piece was written for the Six Sentence Challenge, with the prompt word of ‘control’.
Here at Splendiferous* Pharmaceuticals and Incomparable Narcotics (SPIN), we understand the pain and misery suffered by people who have an impaired ability to take charge of their lives in the way that our handsome and beautiful blonde smiling models have, demonstrated by them cycling together around the neighbourhood (wearing their helmets of course) or playing together in their manicured backyard.
Our range of non-addictive products put you back in control of whatever it is you desire in order to achieve self-fulfillment, nirvana, mindfulness and total awesomeness, in comparison to the chaos of random individuality that afflicts so many (as independently tested in our SPIN laboratories by people who would never lie to keep their job).
Some of you will have heard of our prison-emptying product, ConTroll©, a discreet device attached to the wearer’s lockable underwear that sends Bluetooth signals to and from the brain 24/7; at the first contemplation of any misdemeanour or crime, the device wearer loses all control of their bodily functions (as we say, s**t doesn’t happen because s**t happens if it does).
Our newest release is Fat Controller (under licence from Thomas the Tank Engine Inc), which is an implant in your jaw that snaps it shut at the first sight of fast food or chocolate (and no, despite the rumours, we are not in negotiations with McDonalds for a scratch-and-win bypass key).
More familiar to most of you will be our Content-mint© pills, patches and nasal sprays (absolutely non-addictive and available without prescription) that slow down your metabolism to the ideal chill range for the circumstances (see our Netflix bundle deal for massive savings on both).
Finally, congratulations to Buckbuck McGurk, a chicken farmer from Redneck, South Australia, who has just won our SPIN slogan competition with ‘If you’re out of Control, you’re out of control’**; a lifetime supply is on its way!
* Borrowed from the immortal Zorba the Greek, who was definitely out of control. https://youtu.be/RPaSQ2Fda98
** Re-purposed from ‘If you eat All-Bran, you don’t need All-Bran’.