Welcome to the Grand Opening of my new cinema, The Palace of the Silver Screen!
New in the sense of technology and fit-out but decidedly retro in bringing back the movie theatre experience of the Golden Days of Hollywood.
Thrill to the experience of luxurious electrically heated seats, which double as non-lethal electric chairs. Laugh and cry to your heart’s content but at the first instance of you saying to your neighbour ‘isn’t that the bloke that was in that other movie, you know, whatisname’, you will receive a warning jolt that will, literally, have you sitting on the edge of your seat. A second offence of talkies during the talkies will give you a jolt that will make you go walkies out of the theatre, to the muffled approval of our more well-mannered patrons.
Mobile phones will have to be checked in at the door, just like guns in the old Westerns. An exception will be made for brain surgeons on call, who may sit in the crying room.
Before the show and during interval (there will always be an interval), lads with groaning trays suspended from their necks will circulate intoning ‘drinks, lollies, ice cream’, allowing plenty of time for old ladies to scrabble in their purses for the right money.
The kiosk in the foyer will certainly not serve revolting smelling popcorn, crunchy chips in rustling bags or bucket drinks with straws that can be loudly slurped in their final stages.
In a special glassed-in section with an extractor fan the size of a cricket pitch, you will be able to smoke to your heart’s content and use the vacuum-operated ash trays. Full refreshment service will be provided, including the sale of cigarettes, but the lolly boy will be wearing a gas mask.
Mothers (and the odd father) will swoon to see the return of the sound-proof crying room, so they can take the little ones along. We even supply special wi-fi headsets so Mums (and the odd Dad) can hear the dialogue above the wailing.
Finally, propriety will be maintained by a senior lady with a severe bun, carrying a torch that could (and does) double as an argument-settler. The searchlight-like beam will quickly focus on any hanky-panky in the cheap seats and any suspicious activity from men in raincoats.
So, turn your media room into a meditation room and get on down to my cinema. Be transported back to when the world was a better place and sitting in a darkened room with a bunch of strangers and being right royally entertained was a human birthright.