The Carnivores’ Last Stand

They’d had enough. Under the leadership of the big red kangaroo, RangaKanga (aka The Bouncer), they’d gathered to plot their revenge. Baaaasil (aka The Human-Battering Ram) had had enough of being fleeced and having his offspring end up as Sunday lunch. Beardy (aka Billy The Kid) was tired of having his wives’ teats pulled for human consumption.

Ringnose (aka Raging Bull) wasn’t going to put up with being ridden for a bunch of clowns and artificial insemination had been the last straw. Randy the rooster (aka Buck Buck McGurk) was sleeping in and urging the hens not to move off their eggs.

Harold the horse (aka Dirty Harry) had decided the only Derby he was entering in future would be a Demolition Derby. And finally, Hogsbreath (aka The Ham From Hell) had vowed that no-one was taking home his bacon. (Wally the whale, aka Blue Murder, had wanted to join but it was deemed impractical.)

Down the hill into Gastronome Valley they charged in a cacophony of noise that would have made banshees fear for their lives, followed by an army of vegan media anxious to capture every move on their phones. Ringnose took out the china shop just for fun, before getting down to some serious goring business. Hogsbreath trampled a street full of outdoor diners who’d just begun devouring their crispy bacon. Randy gleefully joined in by cleaning up all the eggs Benedict devourers.

Beardy went hunting the biggest bellies he could find and the air rang with oofs, followed my mass gasping. Baaasil turned Mrs. McGillicuddy’s Wool Shop into Dante’s Inferno, bleating ‘Hit one, hurl one’ as he rampaged. Harold lashed out randomly with his hooves, whinnying with delight his battle cry, ‘Welcome to the Neigh-borhood’.

But the piece de resistance was left to RangaKanga, who boxed the Mayor and the Councillors into submission and herded them onto the nearby highway, into the path of the roaring trucks.

Sated and feted, the Revolting Animals (as they would soon be known) retired from the field of battle to celebrate what would be known from this time on as The Carnivores’ Last Stand. Historians note this event as of major significance to the Glutton-Free movement, which seeded the later Chia-ocracy that ruled the Age of the Ancient Grains.